i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
