i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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