I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
