I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
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