My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
