I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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