if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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