Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize