carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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