Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
