1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
