watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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