she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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