I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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