i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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