i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
