Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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