So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
