Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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