I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
