Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
