I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
