I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
