You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize