The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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