Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
