Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
