Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
