I think i sorta joined a cult last night
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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