No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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