I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
