if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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