Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
