4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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