Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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