I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
