I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize