At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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