the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
