I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
