im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
