Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
