I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
