What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize