someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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