he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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