I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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