the condom got lost in my hair
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
