You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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