Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
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