absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
