seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
