all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
