and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
