Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
