dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize