My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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