Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
