Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
