doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
