i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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