so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
